In honor of Natural Family Planning Week, I’m hoping to devote a few posts this week to the subject. We’ll see how it goes but here’s one at least for now.
My friend Danielle recently talked about THE question every parent gets asked the most, usually around the time of the birth of a new child…
”Are you done?”
Like she said, that’s probably the worst and most annoying question anyone could ask especially so soon after a baby’s born. I really do hate it. Who am I to know that? Who am I to tell God when we’re done accepting children from Him? There are certainly times when I hope he doesn’t think I’m capable of having more but who am I to make that decision without consulting with the Big Guy first? We believe God designed our bodies in truly remarkable ways and are thankful for the knowledge we’ve been given so we can understand the natural y cycles of my fertility. We believe this is a way for my husband and me to share in the decision with God concerning children.
Of course everyone knows Catholics are opposed to any type of contraceptive method (including barrier methods) to prevent pregnancy. But I don’t see why you’d have to be a Catholic to see how a condom or ‘magic’ pill becomes more than a physical barrier in a marital relationship. Duh. And even if I wasn’t Catholic or if I was a Catholyc (as Thomas Peters likes to say) I’d still never dream of swallowing or injecting or implanting any foreign object or hormonally-loaded synthetic substance into my body.
Aside from all that though…what if we were done? What if this was it? In an effort to always portray ourselves as open to God’s will (as we are), I’ve almost taken it for granted that we would have more than 3..some of our family members are pretty sure we’ll have about 16 or 17. But who are we to assume we’ll have any more? In a way it might be good to learn to be ok with being done.
If this is it, then that would mean our baby now would be the last one. This would have been the last time I’d ever carry a baby in my body. The last time I’d gotten to give birth. The last time I’d get to nurse. It would be the last time I’d get to hear a baby of ours coo, gurgle, or cry; or watch our baby smile while sleeping. It would be the last time we’d get to smell our baby’s anointed head after baptism. The last time I’d have to get up in the middle of the night and get to cuddle with my baby or take time out during the day to play or just sit with my baby. The last time we’d watch a baby of ours learn to scoot, roll, sit-up, crawl, and walk and talk.
If we had no expectations about having more maybe I’d enjoy these precious moments with our young children now more, instead of assuming we’d have more after these and always looking ahead for the next one to enjoy. I hope we are not “done”. I’m sure maybe I’ll laugh at this post one day when we’re surrounded by those 16 or 17 kids. But for now, I’m content and grateful for the 3 wonderful blessings we do have.
Great post. Although that last paragraph made me cry because I’ve entertained those same thoughts as well. I very much take for-granted that we’ll have more kiddos, for sure. And, after a night spent with a little who wanted to nurse religiously every two hours, reading that made it all OK.
I’ve already had a handful of people ask me ‘the question’. And we have two. Apparently because we have one boy and one girl, we are blessed beyond measure (I’ll agree with that) and should now consider ourselves complete and want for no more (not quite following that logic). But I agree with you, NFP goes both ways when it comes to trusting God with our fertility. For as well as we know eachother, He knows us so much more deeply and intimately. Good thoughts to ponder.
I believe Kansas Mom did a post on ‘the question’ here recently, did you happen to catch it. Maybe 1-2 weeks ago? (She had her babe by the way, a little boy).
I got into a fairly deep facebook discussion with some people (protestants) over contraception, and it really does blow my mind how many people buy into it hook, line and sinker. I’m with you. Whether it’s a pill or a barrier, it just doesn’t make sense to me, even all religious convictions aside. I guess the selfishness and harm and danger of it all is very obvious to me, I expect it to be for others. Not so much.
Great post! I look forward to reading what else you have to say this week.
The question of rather a Catholic ought ever to say they are “done” has come up repeatedly as a debate on a Catholic discussion forum I frequent. It has really gone round and round. I figured we’d have six kids or more and used to be on the “never say done” side, but now there really is a good chance I’m done. I am now on a medication contraindicated for pregnancy and breastfeeding, and this medication really has changed my life and my ability to cope as a parent. Not taking the medication would be detrimental to me and to the entire family. Currently there aren’t alternatives verified as safe (I’ve investigated LactMed and Dr. Hale’s site, not just taken my doctor’s word), and I can’t imagine taking 2 years off the meds to allow for pregnancy and infancy. I don’t even know how I’d cope for 9 months off, if we had another and planned to formula feed. In this situation, I definitely better understand those who say they’re done. We still don’t want to say that definitively, and I can perhaps see us having another child in 6 years or more, once our kids are older and Bob has finished school, but even then I don’t know. The thought of never being pregnant again and never having another baby makes me very sad, especially as Verity is very advanced and her babyhood has passed so quickly, but at the same time our family is beautiful and perfect and doesn’t feel incomplete. So we’re at a “Never say never, but probably not” point.
I haven’t seen Kansas Mom’s post I should go look, that’s great she had the baby!
Yes, you hit it on the nail: NFP is all about TRUST.
Before James we got a lot of the “oh your boy and girl” comments too and I would just reply by saying that I was excited to see what would come next.
Ahh yes you know I think I take it for granted how much knowlege I’ve been given about contraception and NFP from an early age. But it always clicked for me right away especially as I got older and became more aware about my body and pharmaceuticals and such.
yup, exactly.
so I might make another post on that line of though. There are times when it’s totally ok to feel done for that moment. If I took a pregnancy test today and saw 2 lines I’d probably freak out a little bit and cry because my baby is still my baby and I can’t see how I could possibly give anymore. But, I also know that God’s plans are infinitely wiser than mine and somehow I’d get through it and still find joy in it.
You bring up a very good point that I wanted to include but then ran out of time and energy
Here’s KS Mom’s post I was telling you about’http://ourhomeontherange.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-hands-are-not-full.html
oops, it didn’t link
http://ourhomeontherange.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-hands-are-not-full.html
Thank you! That was a wonderful perspective that we definately don’t think about enough, that’s for sure…
sure thing, thanks for commenting!
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