“Potty training” was a cinch with our first, our daughter, but we’ve had a lot of issues with our second, our first son. When I was pregnant with our third and he was about 2 1/2 he started using the toilet and not needing diapers and it seemed like it was going to be just as easy again. We didn’t push it but highly encouraged and he was happy and we were happy and it was wonderful to not have to worry about that before the baby came.
But the story didn’t end so happily ever after. Shortly after the baby, our second son, was born he (now a three-year-old) started wetting his pants again at night (which he had also stopped for the most part) and during the day. At first it wasn’t all that often and we figured it was just because of the new adjustment time with the baby and he’d stop soon enough.
Yet, here we are, almost three years later and he’s had to go back to wearing ”night-time pants” and rarely goes a whole day with totally dry pants and has to change his pants often. (which means more laundry for me) It’s usually not enough to leak through since his undies are thick like training-pants but there have been a few times where it has (usually when he’s playing outside or away from home for a while).
There is nothing “wrong” with my son, which sometimes makes this “problem” more frustrating. We’ve tried all the tricks and approaches in just about every book, his doctor isn’t concerned and I know there is “medicine” for this but we aren’t convinced that would help as it seems like more of a psychological issue than a physical one. One doctor I talked to about it swears it is an allergy issue but I’m not convinced that is THE issue either since other kids his age that eat “junk” don’t seem to have any problems and he knows he has to go bathroom but just chooses to wait and wait until….oops too late…and then he just keeps playing. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all to go around in icky wet pants. (no, it’s not because we didn’t use cloth diapers with him because we did up until he started using the toilet).
So he knows how to go to the bathroom and he knows he should go there, his biggest problem is deciding to stop what he is doing and go to the bathroom right away instead of holding it and playing just a little longer. We’ve talked and talked and pleaded and yelled and screamed (shamefully) about this with him over and over and over and over….and he just doesn’t get it. I’ve even tried explaining to him how holding it like that for too long can make him sick (think UTI’s, chronic constipation, etc) but still…nothing. We’ve threatened, we’ve bribed, we’ve coaxed, we’ve tried to be patient….I even thought of trying some sort of shock therapy…just kidding…kind of…
Words cannot fully express how incredibly frustrating this has been for all of us, not to mention slightly embarrassing (so please don’t mention this in front of him if you see us).
So a few months back, while brainstorming solutions, I thought…”hmmm, if only there was a way to remind him every so often to go to the bathroom..maybe then he’d get used to going right away on his own.”
So I looked online for “potty alarms” and found all sorts of bedwetting alarm systems
He really loves his watch and for the most part, when his alarm goes off he drops everything and runs to the bathroom. Of course this doesn’t work as well when we are at other people’s homes or at a store or in the car (or if he forgets to put it on) but it has helped even if it hasn’t been as magical as I was hoping. I wish there were more alarms on it so I might look into another watch with more than 5 alarms.
While it has helped in some ways it’s also given him another excuse to wait when he really needs to go since he sometimes just waits for his watch to beep before thinking of going. So the underlying problem still exists: him not going when he needs to go right away instead of waiting for the watch or me to tell him to go. And it’s between those times without a reminder (from the watch or me) that he still has issues. I was hoping he’d have this taken care of by the end of his preschool year. But no. His teacher never mentioned anything (again b/c it’s usually not noticeable unless you are looking/smelling for it). Now I’m using kindergarten as a goal but as of today I have very little faith we’ll reach this goal either but here’s to hoping anyway.
Sigh.
I’ve hesitated to blog about this or really talk about it at all because if there’s one thing parents and “experts” love to talk about it’s ”potty training”. Everyone else and all the books seem to have the perfect solution or method for success with this. (That’s the way it is for all things parenting though isn’t it?) I’ve stopped reading or listening to these “experts” because they either make me feel incredibly guilty or inadequate and lead me to blame myself and feel like a total failure (If only I did that or didn’t do this…then maybe) or they make me feel even more hopeless and miserable with the whole situation. So I’m not saying I don’t want you to leave suggestions/encouragement in the comments (because maybe I do), but I am saying I’d rather not hear anything like ”if you do this or that, the problem will go way over night!” (not that I’d believe you anyway). I look forward to the day this will seem like such a small issue (which it is and isn’t). I can’t say no to prayers though – prayers for more grace, patience and humility for us all as we deal with this for who knows how much longer (and how many other kids longer). I’ve already approached this whole thing differently with our third; I have no expectations that he will be “potty trained” by the time this fourth baby comes, in fact I have no time limits/deadlines at all this time. I’m only introducing the idea to him and teaching him how to do as much as he can on his own. I’m sure someone will suggest “EC” to me with this next one but while I’m happy this method/lifestyle has “worked” for many, I know it is not for us for various reasons I will not bother you, or myself, with.
I pray that none of you will ever have these many issues with your kids and “potty training”. If you are a first-time mom please don’t let this post scare you because it probably will not be this way for you as long as you…
Hang in there. We are in the “parenting tunnel” now. All kids and kid issues… all the time! I know that you are a strong, good Mama who can love her sweet little boy through this. I’ll send prayers up for you!
Thank you for the encouragement and prayers my friend! Yes, definitely the “parenting tunnel”! What will we think about when we get out of it? Will we get out of it?
I understand. I am going to throw a party when Grace finally potty trains. Prayers for you and your sweet boy.
Prayers friend. Yes, the tunnel. What will we talk about once we “emerge” (hopefully triumphant)?? That’s just weird to imagine.
Gemma and Alaina sound like they were very similar in that arena. Although Gemma’s only issue now is she holds it forever and only goes a few times a day (and she drinks plenty). She doesn’t have the accident issues, I’d just like to see her not hold it so long. I am struggling not to “push” Kolbe in that area. It sounds like you’re doing everything “right” (I agree, reading things from all those “experts” just makes it worse, whether you’re talking potty or just parenting in general), I really like the watch idea. Sometimes all you can do is hang in there. Yeah. Easier said than done.
Like I said, prayers always.
Hang in there mama. I know it can be quite the challenge. One of the little girls at daycare has been going through something similar. Only difference is that she would do it intentionally (stop what she was doing, stand up and go right in the middle of the room). One thing that made her stop and think about what she was doing was when one of the other kids looked at her and said “What? You peed in your pants? Why would you do that?” And then it seemed to don on her that it was nothing to be proud of. It does sound like you have tried everything, but in case you haven’t thought of it, have you tried the regular thinner underwear? Maybe if it isn’t so absobant he will be more uncomfortable being wet. And as much as you don’t want the poor little guy to be embarrassed, he probably doesn’t want others to see that he had an accident, so it could help push him to get the bathroom sooner. But that is just a thought, and I do know that it doesn’t work for everyone. Good luck and I will pray for patience for you.
Hi Lauren! Thanks for the encouragement and the good common sense advise. Yes as bad as this sounds I’m almost to the point of using embarrasment to make him stop. I just don’t want the kids in Kindergarten to always remember him as “that boy who peed his pants”
It’s funny the things that kids will remember. I have been thinking about using the thinner pants though and now that school is out maybe I will do that. He did have a pretty major accident at the park with a bunch of relatives but he either didn’t notice or pretended he didn’t or it just didn’t bother him…which bothered me 
Thank you & thank you for the prayers
I’ll try that this summer though while I try letting James run around without any pants and maybe we’ll have some success
Monica–yeah I used to think it was good that kids could hold their pee in for so long but read an article a while back (Erin if you are reading this maybe you can remind me of the one you sent on FB or I will try and find it), anyway it made a good point about how holding in pee for too long can lead to chronic constipation/poop problems which of course could result in other more serious problems down the line. I wouldn’t “worry” about it but it’s just something to keep in mind. Now that it’s summer the kids will have more water and fresh fruits though so that might help her go more often. (Oh and I hardly ever let my kids drink anything aside from water so as not to replace that as a major source of hydration, but I’m sure you are the same way)
Yep, water and milk at our house too. Occasionally orange juice with dinner (like, maybe once every couple weeks). Yeah, Aaron has had some concerns about her “holding it” as well, so it’s on the radar.
I keep debating the letting Kolbe run around with no pants thing. I can’t decide to whether just leave things where they are, with dipes, or see if that encourages him to use the potty more regularly. Little stinker though, he was more than happy to get up at 9:30 last night after bedtime to tell me he had to go on the potty so as not to wet his diaper. And he did. GAH!
I have no advice that you haven’t already tried, but I just want to offer you support and tell you to hang in there. I can tell you for sure that I would definitely not be handling this situation as gracefully as you are. Maybe it’s just another time where you can take a deep breath and offer it up. And I don’t mean “offer it up” as in “Oh get over it.” I mean it in a good way, if that makes sense. I find when I turn things on their head (joy in persecution-type thing) like that, the things that get me down don’t seem as hard. Just remember that he *will* be fully “potty-trained” someday. Perhaps it will take embarrassment, perhaps just more time. But he’ll do it, and then you’ll be able to look at a mom who is in this position years down the road (maybe a daughter or daughter-in-law) who is also struggling and you’ll be able to say, “I totally understand.” and really mean it. And you’ll be able to tell her about how hard it was, but that in the grand scheme of things, it was just another part of parenting that made you a better mom
(Sorry for the novel, I hope that all makes sense like it did in my head.) You’re in my prayers!
As I was first reading this, I thought, “This is like I was, and like Rosie is!” It is partly an attention thing (an inability to switch focus from one activity to another and switch back) and partly a sensory thing. Even as an adult, I find myself getting really irritable and annoyed, and then only after a while realize it is because my bladder is full and I REALLY have to go. My brain was just so busy with other things that the sensory information from my bladder didn’t really register. The sensation was an annoyance but it was never processed into the information “I need to use the bathroom.” If this is the case, I’d just tell you that this takes time, and it also helps to build bathroom breaks into the daily routine so that you just don’t need to wait for the feeling.
Yet, by the end I wasn’t so sure that this was the same problem. Even while I had frequent accidents as a child until I was quite a bit older than six, they never happened at school, and I was always aware of the fact that I’d had an accident. I have known some kids with sensory issues, though, who have accidents without awareness of them. Or perhaps he really doesn’t have the control over his bladder that is typical for his age. It really doesn’t sound like this is a “potty training” issue though. Would you consider asking for a referral to a pediatric urologist for a thorough eval? I do still wonder if I would have benefited from something along those lines when I was a kid.
Hi Becky. Yes it has been tricky, especially since it seems like he either doesn’t notice he has wet his pants or that he just ignores it. Again, my instint tells me he does know they are wet but he chooses to ignore it because he doesn’t want to deal with it or with getting in trouble about it. We’re not quite ready to go to a pediatric urologist but I suppose we’ll consider it if the problem persists.