Are You Mom Enough?

25. June 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: babies, Beauty, birth, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, Education, Food, friendship and family, homemaker, motherhood, pregnancy · Tags: , , , ,

Motherhood isn’t a competition.

It’s not a fashion show or a beauty pageant.

It’s not a Cirque du Soleil crowd-aweing performance.

There are no Mother trophies; no gold, silver, or bronze Mother medals.

Yet, this is how motherhood is often portrayed and lived-out.

The controversial Time breastfeeding cover image is a perfect example of this. The picture unsurprisingly created a flurry and jammed up the social media world with all the usual short-term vs. extended breastfeeding quarrels. The typical battles between the I’ll-hide-in-my-closet-to-nurse and the I’ll-stick-my-nipple-up your *beep*-if-you-ask-me-to-cover-up breastfeeders launched on cue.

The photo is an inappropriate way to properly illustrate attachment parenting and extended breastfeeding (the real subject of the article); however it is a perfectly appropriate representation of the worldly “modern” mother. The question attached, “Are you Mom Enough?” sticks its scornful tongue out at all mothers; daring us to prove ourselves in the arena of competitive motherhood.

You’ll find all sorts of moms rivaling in these popular Mom Games.

The Games commence with the conception and pregnancy events. First, watch the prudent waited-till-we-got-married-expecting moms vs. the oops-how-did-that-happen knocked-up gals test out their archery skills. Then find a good spot by the Luge to see the waited-till-we-saw-the-world-together-and-got-to-know-each-other-first moms try to catch up with the expeditious honeymoon-baby-let’s-get-this-party-started moms. If you want to see a good boxing fight, look for the naturally-conceived-or-adopted moms vs. the artificially-conceived moms in ring # 3. Watch out though that one can get pretty darn ugly. And if you’re curious, don’t miss the canoe and kayak races between the one-to-two-children moms vs. the ten-to-twenty-children moms.

After this we move onto getting the baby out. Most of these competitions take place in the track and field area with moms competing in various speed, long-distance, and strength events. Here you’ll see the natural birthers vs. the medicine/c-section birthers. In another area are the hospital-natural birthers vs. the homebirth-natural birthers. And if you stick around a little longer you’ll catch the midwife-assisted homebirthers vs. the unassisted homebirthers.

And now, let the games really fire up with the feeding and child-rearing contests.

First, you can watch the formula-feeding moms duke things out on the volleyball courts with the exclusively-breast-milk-feeding moms. There’s a special cycling event between the I-nursed-my-baby-for-six-months moms vs. the long-distance extended-breastfeeding-my-8-year-old-while-running-the-Pikes’-Peak-Marathon moms. For a change of scene, head inside for a special fashion show/beauty contest between the blushing blanket-over-my-head-while-nursing moms and the topless nipple-in-your-face breastfeeding moms. While you are inside, survey the contrasting skating duets of the graceful sit-on-the-rocking-chair-with-a-boppy-pillow moms and the fancy breastfeeding-while-skating-on-one-foot-and-cooking-a-gourmet-feast moms.

If these events bore you, mosey on over to the rodeo stadium to see contending moms wrangle their bucking toddlers and steer their rebellious teenagers. Too intense for you? Take a peaceful stroll through the nature preserve out back and take a peek at the sing-songy-bunny-loving moms competing for the Gentle Discipline and Nicest Moms awards. For some real excitement, buy some tickets to the fencing matches between the dictator-totalitarian moms vs. the lets-be-best-friends-forever moms. (Can you guess who will win?)

If you have time, check out the working moms vs. the “stay-at-home”-mom obstacle course, the tug-of-war between the eco-friendly-cloth-diapering-gluten-free-cook-everything-from-scratch mom vs. the climate-changing-earth-hating-disposable-diapering-processed-sugar-high-fructose-corn-syrup-partially-hydrogentated moms, and the homeschool vs. public school vs. private school triathlon.

Ok, so there aren’t any Mom Games in real life but sometimes being a mother in today’s world can feel like there are. I was thrust into this world of competitive motherhood shortly after my first child was born. Suddenly, everything I thought I knew about being a good mother didn’t matter anymore; my daughter either hadn’t read or disagreed with all the great parenting experts on breastfeeding, sleeping, and just about everything. I floundered around for a while trying to earn my keep and prove myself in my new role. As I read about and discovered all the different ways of parenting, I would latch onto a new method or idea and stubbornly try to make it work.  And, ashamedly, in an effort to boost my own self-esteem, I developed high-and-mighty judgmental opinions about which ways were the best or better ways to be a mother. Whatever I was doing was the best way and every other mother should do it this way too. Like the image of the woman on the Time cover, mothering was about proving a point instead of following my own instincts and heart.

Thankfully, my children threw reality back in my arrogant face and forced my attention back where it belonged: on them – not on what other mothers were doing or what other children did/didn’t do. Once I started refocusing, I realized many of the ideas I thought sounded or looked cool in theory or worked well for others, weren’t necessarily meant for me. It wasn’t just a matter of if I could walk in those “clothes”, like Simcha Fischer frankly points out, it’s about whether they fit me, my children, and our family.

Now, pregnant with our fourth, I’ve sorted through my collection of parenting techniques and philosophies; some things are worth keeping for now or later and some need to get tossed out for good or given away for someone else to try. I’m still learning, still trying to stand high on my pedestal and still falling flat on my face over and over again. Each time, I am reminded again that it’s not about whether I am “Mom Enough”, it’s about whether I can love and accept my kids and our family as we are and let that be enough.

“Famil[ies], Be Who you Are” John Paul II

 


Embracing Birth

28. May 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: birth, motherhood, Random, Women · Tags: , , , , ,

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (1 John 4:18)

Though the funny incident of my water bottle spilling made me chuckle, it also led me to muse about everyone’s initial reaction to panic when they thought my “water” had broken.

We live in a country and a time where birth is feared instead of embraced for the beauty and gift that it truly is.

The dramatic scenes of labor that predominate our television screens depict this as a time to panic. Women and men congregate around their water coolers to exchange horror stories of their horrific labor stories, sending fear into any attentively listening “virgin” or first-time pregnant ears.

This mainstream attitude toward labor and birth runs in such a stark contrast to Rosie the Riveter’s “We Can Do It” motto adopted by the feminist movement. So much of what women do, and who we are, is about being strong and “in control”, taking charge of the situation. But childbirth isn’t the time to show off our “guns” or “feminine machismo” (even if we do roar throughout it); birth is a time to surrender—to become vulnerable, weak. It’s a time to swing our hips around, to grunt and yell, and to open our bodies – open ourselves – to bring forth LIFE.

While I haven’t gone through medical school and have never worked in an OB office or Labor and Delivery unit, from what I have seen and heard, the customary business-like approach to pregnancy and labor & “delivery” fails to truly respect women, our bodies, and the birth process. I see this as a direct result of our “contra-ceptive” and “anti-life” culture. If women and medical professionals see pregnancy as a disease and as something to be protected from, it makes sense that birth would be treated in the same way.

In a similar way, if a couple uses contraception as a shield from the inconveniences and frustrations that come with pregnancy and children, this attitude is likely to linger into the birthing room should they “accidentally” become pregnant anyway. However, this isn’t always the case as I’ve noticed that many who are strong advocates of natural childbirth also strongly support contraception and birth control (including abortion as one method) because of their focus on “choice”. That said, I’ve also noticed that many couples who are “pro-life” and against the use of contraception still approach birth with trepidation and an over-dependence on medical doctors and nurses.

In Lynn M Griesemer’s Unassisted Homebirth: An Act of Love, she quotes from Susanna Napierala’s Water Birth: A Midwife’s Perspective about the natural function of birth.

Giving birth is a function that women inherently know how to perform, if left alone for nature to take its course. Women also need to take responsibility for themselves and to not be afraid of their bodies. Their bodies were made to give birth…There is no mystery about it. If women educate themselves about birth and trust in their bodies, they will suffer fewer complications for both themselves and their babies. (Napierala 1994: 6)

I’m not knocking epidurals and pitocin and c-sections entirely, I know there is a time and a place when these and other medical interventions can be helpful and even life-saving, but I do feel that too many women, starting with their doctors and nurses, rely on these out of fear, diluting the real significance of birth. 

Pregnancy and birth are not merely medical “conditions” and “events” that need to be controlled and monitored. In the General Audiences of John Paul II’s Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology Of The Body he brilliantly describes the human body as “the expression of the spirit…” Through and with our bodies humans have an amazing “capacity of expressing love, that love in which the person becomes a gift and – by means of this gift – fulfils the meaning of his being and his existence”.

The sexual act between a man and a woman that brings about the conception of a new human being is only the beginning of this self-giving expression of love, the woman’s body continues this ‘becoming-gift’ through the pregnancy, culminating in a total gift of self during the labor and birth of this human being out into communion with the world.

If we take time to look at birth again, to truly re-spect it, we can see that it is a humbling extension of our mutual self-giving, an acceptance of ”being open to life.”When we say “yes” to God, even by accepting a new life, we are saying “yes” to all it comes with, including the work, the discomforts of pregnancy and the intense work of labor, birth, and the post-partum time. In this way, these “pains” take on a new meaning; they achieve a greater purpose and become…beautiful.

I don’t see childbirth as a punishment; it is a great opportunity to share in Christ’s sacrificial offering and love for us. There has never been a time in my life when I have felt so close to God than when a baby is crowning out of me. It is a time to be in deep awe of God’s ingenious design of our bodies. I do not fear birth, I embrace it.

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul” (Psalm 94:19)

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)


Bun in the Oven

04. May 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: birth, motherhood

It’s hard to believe I’m already “half-way” through the pregnancy! Now that the end is getting closer I’m definitely starting to think a lot more about this baby, the birth, post-partum time, etc .

In the first part of the pregnancy, when I wasn’t feeling icky and totally discombobulated, I felt a little guilty for not thinking so much about this baby as I did with at least the first two. I am still excited and incredibly humbled and grateful for this amazing miracle of life, but the feelings are so different this time. It’s different having 2 kids in school (2nd and preschool) and it’s different having 3 instead of just 2 to keep me busy and distracted. If it wasn’t for my growing belly and alien-like swirlies and kicking action going on inside, I’d hardly remember there is a tiny little human being living inside me.

In a way though, I have to say I am much more at peace than I was with the others. I don’t know if this is because I feel more confident as a pregnant woman and mother with more experience, or because I’m too busy to obsess as much about all the silly details, or maybe it’s a little bit of both.

That said, I feel like I’ve turned a corner of sorts in the pregnancy; both physically and emotionally. Having the sonogram last week and seeing our little guy in there was so amazing. We usually don’t get sonograms but for some reason I just felt compelled to get one this time and it has helped me feel more emotionally prepared and accepting.

Introducing and adjusting to a third baby was…rough. I immediately loved him sooo much but it was very difficult for me to incorporate him and me with everyone else. I felt very divided; I couldn’t find a good way to be a mother to the new baby and the other two, not to mention a descent wife, all at the same time. Most of the time I just wanted to take the baby and run away. But then I longed for the time I had with just my two and our little family of 4 again. It’s amazing how much one little person can completely change a family.

So my biggest goal this time has been to “accept”. Though I still feel at times I am drowning under water trying to keep up with our cute/ornery now 2 1/2 year old, I am comfortable and happy with our family as it is.

But, I also know that it can’t stay like this forever. And while I might only see three of them now, there already are 4. Soon, 4 little chicks will be following their busy mama hen.

I am going to frame a picture of the three of them and then one of the sonogram pics (probably the scary skull face or foot one) and set them by my bathtub (where I will hopefully hold this baby for the first time also like the last one). It will help me remember that he is already here and part of our family. Together with this goal of “accepting” I hope this will help me avoid some of the more crazy post-partum emotional issues I’ve quietly dealt with in the past. I hope in accepting things as they are I can better embrace this transition from 3 to 4 instead of trying to run away from it or cover up my emotional trauma with “busy work”.  So much of this will be controlled by my hormones (ug!!) but here’s to hoping anyway.

Either way, I am getting more and more excited about meeting this baby on the outside, snuggling his squishy, slippery body, smelling him, looking into his eyes and falling deeply in love with him.

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