A rambly NFP post

25. July 2012 · 1 comment · Categories: faith, Marriage, motherhood, NFP, pregnancy · Tags: , , , ,

Happy Natural Family Planning Awareness Week and 44th Anniversary of Pope Paul VI’s Humanae Vitae!

I’ve been thinking about NFP this week and how prophetically genius Humanae Vitae is.  I was going to share some of my favorite quotes but remembered I already did last year here and here. It’s not a long read, I highly suggest taking some time to read it. Too many Catholics, and non-Catholics, have missed out on this treasure.

I love the way God created the human body; it’s beautiful and amazing and miraculous. I am especially amazed with how intricate the design of the female body is with our natural rhythms and cycles. With such a deep respect for the Sacrament of Marriage coupled with how my body and my husband’s work together, it is only natural for me to also love Natural Family Planning. I write about it so much I created a new page for all my posts/articles on the subject. I’d like to add other author’s articles here too so feel free to send me a link to some good ones and I’ll post them there too. (Maybe I’ll make a new Pinterest board for that, too).

I re-read some of my past posts and I had to laugh a little when reading the one about being “Done!?.”. I have a different perspective on it now that I am pregnant and definitely feeling “done!” with this pregnancy. This time has been different than the previous three. I started out determined not to complain/whine as much during this pregnancy but well it’s kind of hard not to when it’s so physically and emotionally draining–it just takes over. Though I’m still ‘young’ (under 30) this is my 4th pregnancy and yes, it does make a difference. It has made a difference physically–even though I am ‘in shape’ my body isn’t quite as chipper as it was the first go around. Things are more…”saggy” for lack of a better explanation. It also makes a difference having 3 other kids to chase around/yell at/pay attention to/care for than just two sweet ones that usually got along wonderfully together. On the one hand, it’s kept me busier and more distracted, especially during the school year when I was frequently nauseous. The time has flown by quickly too. And, even though there is more ‘work’ with more kids, there are also more helping hands. I’m so thankful I can send my daughter or sons upstairs or downstairs to fetch things for me when I’m too tired to climb back up when I just came down. They even rub my feet and back for me sometimes!

The physical exhaustion has gotten to me the most this time though. I feel like Jessie Spano, I have all these lofty goals and ideas but at the end of the day I’m just too tired and only want to crash on my bed and sleep forever. However, when I do finally get to lay down I’m so uncomfortable or have to pee every 15-20 minutes that I don’t get much rest anyway.

That said, I’m incredibly grateful for how healthy I am and how good I do have it because I know of many other women who have much ‘worse’ times in pregnancy. And of course, there are those who have an even worse “empty” pain if they’ve lost a baby to miscarriage or have yet to even had the chance to complain about being pregnant at all. My only major complaint this go around has been my darn side ligament spastic pain that plagues me throughout the day/night. It hasn’t been as bad the last week as my body loosens up and prepares for labor/birth, which I am incredibly thankful for. Still, it’s those little ‘pebbles in the shoe’ parts of pregnancy that weigh me down after a while.

The combination of the physical exhaustion and the emotional stress of being pregnant with 3 other littles around has majorly tested me and I’ve failed more times than risen above. There were definitely moments of feeling done with the pregnancy in my other ones, but this has been the first time I’ve ever really felt like not doing this again…at least not for a long time. I know this might change, especially after I am no longer pregnant, but for now I feel I have reached my personal threshold.

With these feelings, I can relate to those women who resort to sterilization or contraception after pregnancy. There are many good-’sounding’ reasons used to justify their use, especially after extremely challenging pregnancies and/or births. Sometimes, it feels like too much and that the only way “out” is to permanently or temporarily prevent having to go through that again. I get it, I do. However, it doesn’t make it “right” in the same way it would not be right for a mother to drown her newborn baby in a bathtub because of similar feelings. There are other healthier ways to deal and it’s the same with “family planning,” (though I really hate that word and even think Natural “Family Planning” could use a better name).

I was carrying these burdensome feelings around with me and finally emptied them out honestly to a priest. He listened and then delicately said, “I know I could never possibly understand what this is like for you or any other woman or family, but remember, this is a GIFT”.  I heard this before but for whatever reason, the way he said it broke the dark-thunder-cloud spell that had overtaken me and I felt a huge relief. This–this baby and all that comes with him–is a GIFT. This has brought me much-needed peace in the last few weeks and strength to continue with this last part of the journey with joy instead of only grumbling. In a few weeks, I’ll hold my baby–I’ll look into his eyes and smell him and feel his soft skin and I’ll know–all this was 100% worth it.

It is the joy my children bring me that will remind me of this if and when we may receive this gift again in the future; even if I don’t feel ‘ready’ and accept it a bit grudgingly, deep down, I’ll always be thankful and grateful for each child God sends us; for each GIFT he humbles us with. I may feel like I can’t do this anymore or ever again, but I know We (God, my husband, and me) can.

 


Listmania: NFP

30. July 2011 · 3 comments · Categories: faith, Listmania · Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a big fan of Natural Family Planning. For this reason, and because this is National NFP Awareness Week , I’ve blogged about what the Catholic Church teaches about marriage and sex and contraception here and here. Last year I rambled about why I hate the ever-popular horribly-annoying question “Are you done?” (Update 7/31: oops, I forgot the one about how NFP works even with it doesn’t and how to share the gift of NFP with L.O.V.E)

Since I already shared what the Church says about it all, tonight I intend to share a list of reasons why I like NFP and why my husband and I choose this tool to achieve pregnancy or postpone pregnancy. Before I do though I want to be upfront about why I share information about NFP. First, I’ll say that I share it not because I want to put myself or my husband or my marriage above others in a self-righteous way. Admittedly, I can look back at my past and see that this was a subconscious reason in the past but has never been my first intention, more like an unintentional side affect of wanting to share the truth while also trying to live it. That said, I realize that there will always be someone who perceives what I say or share (on this subject as well as others) as “offensive” or “judgemental” or “self-righteous” or “uncompassionate”. I apoligize if what I say causes you pain but I will not apologize for sharing the truth. My hope and goal is not to hurt; on the contrary- it is to bring comfort by offering a solution and an answer that in the end will bring life; not death, hope; not despair and love; not hate.

So without further ado, my list of why I like NFP:

1. It is natural–it goes along with the way my body was made and naturally designed to work.

2. It is REAL–no drugs, no new-fangled contraptions, just the good old fashioned way.

3. It’s amazing–when I first learned about my body’s fertile and infertile cycles I was completely amazed and thought to myself–”Wow, I am “beautifully and wonderfully made”!

4. I love nature (like #1). I appreciate it and I respect it. To me, nature–science and math precisely–is God’s language–it’s how He explains Himself, the world, and me and you. While I appreciate the Church’s teachings on marriage and contraception and sex and all that, I only need to look to nature–to biology–to see the truth about sex and contraception. STDs, male and female reproductive issues, sexual reproductive organ cancers (and even some not-really-sexual reproductive body part cancers)—these are God’s way of speaking to us and warning us through nature about the consequences of non-monogamous, promiscuous, and illicit sexual relationships and using contraceptive devices in and out of marriage. (Nature also has some big lessons to teach us when it comes to the unethical infertility methods out there.) On the flip side, there’s something to say about the simple beauty of a random field of wildflowers or a lone cucumber plant growing unexpectedly in a compost box instead of the time and location it was ‘supposed to’ grow in.

5. It is self-giving and therefore self-less. (That said, those who practice NFP must keep a good checks and balances system in place to avoid using NFP in a selfish way.)

6. It provokes ”interesting” and “unique” conversations. Hey if I can talk to my husband about how stretchy or non stretchy my mucus is I should be able to talk to him about anything, right?

7. It fosters laughter–probably another one of those “most important things to have lots of” in a marriage. Aside from prayer and stuff.

8. Speaking of prayer–relying on NFP in our marriage cultivates a good prayer life. On a fairly regular basis we have to pause and think and pray before making any “heat of the moment” decisions. Or, when we (ahem)…don’t pause and think first, we have to pray that God will give us strength to humbly accept whatever those consequences blessings from that may be.

9. It is respectful. Using NFP makes me take a step back and re-look at my husband. It makes me see him as God made him and see him as the man who I chose to love, honor and cherish. It also makes me take a closer look at myself. Unlike what the ‘world’ tells me, I’m not just some ‘body’, I am a woman, I am a wife, I am a mother and I am greatly loved by my husband. And together, NFP helps us step back and look at God and what He wants for us and for our marriage and family. We don’t tell him to ”stay out of the bedroom”, we invite Him to participate–too converse with us in all parts of our life, especially the most intimate ones.

10. NFP is Love-giving and Life-giving. NFP is awesome, it’s beautiful, it can and does work—but it is also hard. It is a sacrifice. As interesting to me as mucus is, I’d rather sometimes not have to remember to check every time, every day. I’d also rather not have to take time to write down what I observe or mess with deciding whether to put on the slightly sticky-looking mucus sticker or the drool-string-like mucus sticker. And I always feel a bit funny about the baby stickers–though it does serve as a good visual reminder for my husband and me about what this is all about—Life.

Using NFP correctly gives my husband and I a way to work with God, through my natural cycles, in the amazing miracle of creating a new life. Three times now, we have been honored and humbled to conceive life. When I look into my daughter’s and sons’s eyes, I remember the love my husband and I share together with God and see it there in front me in human form.

That said, I know that there could come a time when we cannot conceive any more lives within us. We might follow all the “rules” and do everything “right” and yet still bare no more fruit. Who knows, we could be “done” with our precious three now. This would be a very difficult cross to bear. Especially since I “know” so much about NFP and about infertility. It would be frustrating if we tried everything–ate all right food and said no to the wrong ones, excercised enough but not too much and cut down on stress, bought a fertility monitor to use in conjuction with NFP or even worked with the specialists trained in NaPro technology–and still could not conceive another child. It would be painful. I would know that I should be happy to have the three that we do–especially since some have been trying longer than I though have yet to be blessed with even one or, if they were, sadly lost their baby or babies in pregnancy or birth or after birth. My heart cries deeply for these women and men, it is a pain I know I could never fully understand, yet it does not stop me from caring for them; for hoping for them; for praying for them.

Fertility is a gift. Not everyone is blessed with it and some seem to have more than enough to spare. One thing that all married couples can have is their love–that is always there and available for those who choose it. Even those who are ‘infertile’ can have a ‘fertile’ marriage. This may not translate into biological children or even any children. Marriage, and the marital act, are made to be love-giving and life-giving, yes. But even when it cannot be ‘life-giving’ for indeliberate reasons, it can still be love-giving.

Natural Family Planning is a wonderful tool for communicating and understanding sex and life in marriage. But its benefit–its “product”– goes beyond the charts–beyond the mucus stickers and baby stickers and sun and moon symbols–beyond even sex—to a deeper place where it implants itself deep into our souls where it grows and develops and impregnates us with love, and life and God.

 


Share the gift of NFP with L.O.V.E

20. October 2010 · Write a comment · Categories: Marriage · Tags: , , ,

You can read my monthly column at Catholic Mom on Taking the Time to share the gift of NFP with L.O.V.E. 


What would you say if…

25. August 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: faith, Marriage, motherhood · Tags: ,

…someone asked  if youwere “done”? (having children)

…someone said to you, “I’m done!” (having children)

…yup, we’re going to take care of that and get him fixed (in ref. to having more children)

…I just got fixed so don’t have to worry about that anymore!

…they have something for that you know. (in ref. to birth control and the number of children you have or will have soon)

I’m working on an article about how to be a good witness for Natural Family Planning amongst family, friends, co-workers, and perfect strangers. I’d love to hear some ideas!


personal thresholds

30. July 2010 · 2 comments · Categories: Marriage, motherhood · Tags: , , ,

After my Done!?. post the other day Becky and some others mentioned that sometimes there are some valid reasons to feel done.

Like I said, there are times when it’s totally ok to feel done for that moment. If I took a pregnancy test today and saw 2 lines I’d probably freak out a little bit and cry because my baby is still my baby and I can’t see how I could possibly give anymore. But, I also know that God’s plans are infinitely wiser than mine and somehow I’d get through it and still find joy in it.

But it got me thinking on another thought that I’ve had about personal thresholds. Everyone has their own pain thresholds, some can take more pain without crying than others and some situations are easier to handle than others. I can birth babies without pain medication but you don’t want to be around me after I stub a toe or get a hang nail.

I think it’s the same with kids. It seems to me that some moms are better equipped emotionally and psychologically and mentally to handle more children than others. For me, I was very happy and incredibly comfortable with 2. Life was good then. I felt in control and like I knew what I was doing. I felt like ‘a good mom’. Perhaps I was a little too overconfident and that’s what lead to me thinking a 3rd wouldn’t be such a hard thing.

I love our little baby so much. But I miss having just 2. But I wouldn’t want to not have three either so it’s a weird place to be in. But I’ve found that 3 is my current personal threshold for children. My husband and I both feel that there are still maybe 1-2 ’missing’ but for now I feel like I have reached the limit of what I can and can’t handle. Whereas I see other moms reaching their limits at 1 or 2 and then others at 6 or 7 …or 10… :)  

It’s late and I’m not sure I’m getting my thoughts out all the way right but I hope you all know what I’m trying to say. Basically it’s good to be “open to God’s Will” but it’s also true and ok to realize what our own limitations are. What we can’t handle now, we may be able to later and “…we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.”

And just because God blesses one family with 10 children doesn’t mean a family of 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 is any less blest. And it doesn’t mean that the couple with 10 will be any more holy than the couple with 4.


Done!?.

27. July 2010 · 8 comments · Categories: faith, Marriage, motherhood · Tags: , , , , ,

In honor of Natural Family Planning Week, I’m hoping to devote a few posts this week to the subject. We’ll see how it goes but here’s one at least for now.

My friend Danielle recently talked about THE question every parent gets asked the most, usually around the time of the birth of a new child…

”Are you done?”

Like she said, that’s probably the worst and most annoying question anyone could ask especially so soon after a baby’s born. I really do hate it. Who am I to know that? Who am I to tell God when we’re done accepting children from Him? There are certainly times when I hope he doesn’t think I’m capable of having more but who am I to make that decision without consulting with the Big Guy first? We believe God designed our bodies in truly remarkable ways and are thankful for the knowledge we’ve been given so we can understand the natural y cycles of my fertility. We believe this is a way for my husband and me to share in the decision with God concerning children.

Of course everyone knows Catholics are opposed to any type of contraceptive method (including barrier methods) to prevent pregnancy. But I don’t see why you’d have to be a Catholic to see how a condom or ‘magic’ pill becomes more than a physical barrier in a marital relationship. Duh. And even if I wasn’t Catholic or if I was a Catholyc (as Thomas Peters likes to say) I’d still never dream of swallowing or injecting or implanting any foreign object or hormonally-loaded synthetic substance into my body.

Aside from all that though…what if we were done? What if this was it? In an effort to always portray ourselves as open to God’s will (as we are), I’ve almost taken it for granted that we would have more than 3..some of our family members are pretty sure we’ll have about 16 or 17. But who are we to assume we’ll have any more? In a way it might be good to learn to be ok with being done.

 If this is it, then that would mean our baby now would be the last one. This would have been the last time I’d ever carry a baby in my body. The last time I’d gotten to give birth. The last time I’d get to nurse. It would be the last time I’d get to hear a baby of ours coo, gurgle, or cry; or watch our baby smile while sleeping. It would be the last time we’d get to smell our baby’s anointed head after baptism.  The last time I’d have to get up in the middle of the night and get to cuddle with my baby or take time out during the day to play or just sit with my baby. The last time we’d watch a baby of ours learn to scoot, roll, sit-up, crawl, and walk and talk.

 If we had no expectations about having more maybe I’d enjoy these precious moments with our young children now more, instead of assuming we’d have more after these and always looking ahead for the next one to enjoy. I hope we are not “done”. I’m sure maybe I’ll laugh at this post one day when we’re surrounded by those 16 or 17 kids. But for now, I’m content and grateful for the 3 wonderful blessings we do have.

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