As a Catholic, as an American citizen, as a registered informed voter, as a woman, this mandate upsets me, personally, for so many reasons that I’ve hardly even been able to read much about it or even write about it but I’ve certainly been thinking about it. While everyone else is writing and ranting about it and sharing in my frustration and anger over this, I still feel that if I don’t write something about it, I just might explode. And that’s what blogging is for.

I’ll share some more organized thoughts later but for now I’m going with the bullet point rant approach.

• First of all, why should the government be allowed to tell private companies what they have to and don’t have to cover? (This has been going on with other things for quite a while now though.)
• Second of all, how does giving a year “to comply” for organizations who are opposed to providing these “services” constitute a compromise?
• And on that note, making it so insurance companies have to “pay” and not those who are opposed to these ”services”, doesn’t count as an acceptable “compromise” either. DUH. (It’s like when Komen says they are only giving money to Planned  Parenthood for “breast cancer prevention”. (Which is another interesting story.)
• Which brings me back to wondering why this administration feels it can just mandate insurance companies to cover these expensive services for free?! Who’s gonna pay for that? Hmmmm.
• I hate how birth control pills, sterilization procedures and abortion are considered “services” that women desperately need when in fact these have done the greatest disservice to women’s health, to our country, and to basically everyone (especially those who were “prevented” from living).
• Oh and just because “everyone else is using them” doesn’t mean it’s good. (Didn’t people listen to their mothers?) And it definitely doesn’t mean you can make everyone else pay for it.
• It’s scary thinking about what sort of pandora’s box this mandate is opening. Who wants to guess how long it will be before contraception, sterilizations, and abortions are “required” for “at risk” individuals for “public health” purposes and to “save lives”? Pope Paul VI saw this coming.
• It’s even more scary thinking that people don’t care or are not willing to accept how dangerous this is for now and our future and actually do something about it.
• As much as I am angry about the mandate itself, I think I am more angry that everyone is so “shocked” about it. No one saw this coming?
• We, the people of this country and the leaders and members of the Church, knew what we were getting with Obama and his universal ‘health’ plan.
• We knew from the beginning about his strong commitments to “women’s health”, “access to preventive health care” and “women’s rights”.
• We knew he (and his administration) wanted to include these “services” in the plan from the beginning.
• Those of us who are familiar with Kathleen Sebelius are very familiar with her connections to the abortion industry.
• And yet people still voted for him (and her) and still cheered on the Affordable Care Act into law, including Catholics, as long as there weren’t any mandates about abortion of course…
• Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful the leaders of the Church and so many are rallying together against this mandate. I just don’t understand why now? It just seems a bit late in the game that’s all. But…better late than never I suppose.
• And yet, I wonder…as mad as people are now about this…how soon will they forget? Will they remember all this on November 6, 2012?
• Will it matter enough to enough people?

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

            She rolls onto her back and stretches her long slender body out over the couch cushions.  Her chest moves up and down as she floats on the waves in the ocean of dreamland. 

            Her hair, a perfect mix between her blond-haired daddy and her dark brown-haired mommy, cascades all around her.  How amazing to think that at one time she was just a bit bigger than the size of her head!

            I think about the things she does and says now. I wish I could see into her mind-for I know it is a beautiful and intelligent one! At times, I see the light bulb in her mind and suddenly, in an instant, she understands a word or a gesture in its completeness.

            She dances, claps, marches, and spins in beats and rhythms, all her own.  She sees the music playing before her and sees the dance.   In gymnastics her limber legs stretch and jump. Her feet move as her arms and body guide her in balance and her strong arms bring out the monkey in her, swinging and hanging on the branches of her imagination. 

            Piles of dishes, loads of laundry, reading and emails await me, not to mention a few hours of sleep before it all begins again and oh yes-I suppose we should eat some time!  Yet, in that moment, I see her lying there, and stop to kneel down beside her and gaze.  I feel as though I am not only keeping vigilance over my daughter, my jewel.  I am invited into a glimpse of Love, in one of the best forms.  Like on a cloudy day, when the sun sneaks a peek through the clouds, I am granted slivers of Christ peeking through the eyes of my daughter.  Love, begins so small, microscopic in fact.  Yet, in that small and seemingly non-existent beginning, lays the truth about Love, and His unfathomable significance.  

            My mind goes to the thought of a seed and the plant it becomes.  While the plant is beautiful and tremendous, would it not be for the seed-no such wonder would prevail.  One small seed holds the power and potential for something quite kinetic and extraordinary.  In the same way, the eggs that a woman carries, together with the gift of the man’s sperm, work in such a beautiful harmony, together with the work of God, to create a signature masterpiece, made by all three.  But it is not the labor alone that sells the artwork-it is the impression it imprints upon the souls of those who gaze upon it that advocates its beauty.

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The other day I was in a situation where I had to get up and talk in front of a bunch of important people and I was a teensy bit nervous. My heart started pounding, my armpits started sweating and I suddenly felt like getting up and running out of the room. I closed my eyes and prayed for peace. As I did, I thought about my husband…and Jupiter. (Yes, the planet.)

If you’ve ever looked up into the night sky and seen a very bright star, it was probably not really a star but the planet Jupiter. (or maybe Venus). At first, it seems just like a small twinkling light in the dark night sky. But did you know that Jupiter is actually so big that 1,321 Earths could fit into Jupiter and about 3 Earths could fit into Jupiter’s Great Red Spot?

It’s big. MUCH bigger than me and much bigger than the people I was going to be talking in front of. So I thought about Jupiter and about the Milky Way and all the bizzillions and zillions of stars and the infinite universe and then, of course following the natural thought process, I thought of God. And then I had to stop thinking and pay attention. I was at peace remembering that no matter how important my life is and what I am doing is, God is INFINITELY huger and bigger than me or anything I am working on. I’m so glad HE is in charge, not me. And I need to remember that more often.

My husband has recently taken up photography as a hobby and more specifially astrophotography. He and I have always loved staring up into the night sky and imaging what lies beyond. With his super awesome photos & super awesome telescope, we are able to get a little closer look and it both amazes me and baffles me all at the same time. But when I start to feel all high and mighty or even scared about the tasks God asks of me, I look at his pictures or stare up at Jupiter and remember that I am but a mere speck.

Here are some of my husband’s recent favorites I’d like to share. Click on the picture to read more about it.

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1. I vacuumed the van.

2. I went on a walk 2 days in a row! (This could also be in part because of the random spring-like weather we’ve had lately).

3. I made some food–pancakes and some dinner that I actually liked.

4. I also finally have had some cravings for food and have started thinking of other food I’d actually like to make.

5. I saw a food magazine at the grocery check out and bought it because of how wonderful everything looked in the pictures (and because the magazine actually had more recipes than ads!).

6. Don’t feel like I might have to make a run for the toilet (well for puking anyway) every minute of the day (only occasionally now).

7. Because of this I took out the extra bowl I was carrying around in the van…just in case.

8. I had to go out and get some new maternity pants because of my growing belly.

9. I’m starting to sing again…I like to sing in the car and sometimes in the shower but I hadn’t been able to for a while b/c the constant nausea/fatigue didn’t put me in a very sing-songy mood.

10. I’ve been able to be think a little more clearly and pay a little more attention to the kids…until the evening when all my energy suddenly leaves me just as suddenly as it came.

But to keep things real, after I wrote this up the other day I did actually throw up (or “throwed up” as my 5 year old called it) and now have a cold that is making me feel pretty icky and makes me want to sleep even more than I already did. I’m still glad that 2nd trimester is closer than 1st now.

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There have been 2 main “secrets” to our success.
1. The toddler bed we borrowed from a friend
2. M&M’s.

We put the toddler bed right up next to my side of the bed. So when he wakes up at night, which now is not usually until around 2 or 3 or sometimes he’s even slept in his real bed in the other room all night until 6 or so in the morning. That has been pure BLISS.
The toddler bed was more of a practical fix. But apparently he, like most children (and adults), needed a little more “incentive” to get him to stay in his bed all night. So one night, after I’d nursed him one last time and put him to bed and sang to him and got him his water bottle and an animal and stayed with him until I was sure he was sound asleep…he still came out of his bed and I finally lost it.

“Ok, little boy. I’ll tell you what.” I told him sternly.

If you stay in your bed without crying and getting out of your bed all night, I’ll give you a yummy chocolate M&M in the morning. Ok?”

He shook his head and said, “okey, mama”.

And he did. I put him back in his bed and he stayed there…ALL night! And when he woke up he said, “mNm?”

Like I said, he hasn’t stayed in his bed every night since but definitely more times than not. He still wakes up a few times after we first put him to bed but for the most part we’ve been able to get him to go back to his bed by himself using a combination of threats and incentives. Hey it’s what works.
It’s kind of cute though if he does come out of his bed he walks over to wherever we are real slow and quietly with his hands over his eyes thinking that way we won’t see him. Or if I’m downstairs he’ll come down and then go all the way around the other room to where I am hoping I won’t notice him (which of course I did). Silly tricks.

At night, if he does come in to our room, I tell him to just lay down in the little bed and be real quiet and he does! If he cries I tell him he has to be quiet or he’ll have to go back to his other bed and that seems to do the trick.

So thank you again to all of you who have been praying for better sleep for him and us! Now of course, this has happened just in time for me to start getting up to use the bathroom a few times at night and soon enough we’ll have another little one cuddled up close to us and keeping us awake all over again….sigh. I’m still very happy the 2 year old has at last decided to sleep better. And for any of you reading this who have babies or toddlers who still don’t sleep well, stop glaring at me and know that your child will soon sleep well too. And, if you get real desperate, don’t feel guilty about getting out those M&M’s. I certainly don’t. :)

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When I don’t have my glasses or contacts on, anything further away than arms length is basically a blur.

It makes for some interesting stories when you pair up my fuzzy eyesight with my eccentric imagination.

A piece of string on the floor easily becomes a worm. A piece of fuzz; an icky dead fly or a spider ready to attack me.

The other day, while showering at a time I’d rather be sleeping, the two year old must have woken up and suddenly there was a little blur standing by the clear shower door. I was pretty sure it was him but had to get down and squint to make sure. I didn’t see him move away but I could have sworn he threw something on the floor right outside the shower door as I saw something in the corner suddenly move. I looked around for him but he was gone but the “thing” I saw move was still there.

It was a dark fuzzy thing. What could it be? A sock that he threw? It looked too fuzzy for that. A ball? Not round enough. I squinted my eyes as hard as I could without closing them but just could not make out what the mysterious object was. I tried to ignore it but my imagination got the best of me.

It was too small for a spider…too big for a tarantula. What if it was a mouse? We’ve never had mice in our house before but what if it had been hiding behind the toilet and was now coming out for some food?

What if he was going to run out of the bathroom and into our bedroom where my husband and toddler were?

And then what if it was a rabid mouse or a rat and it would attack me as soon as I stepped outside the shower? Should I call for help?

My heart started beating as my mind turned into overdrive on all these possible scenarios.

I had to find out what this dark fuzzy shape on the floor was. I quickly finished my shower and then slowly and quietly opened the door to reach my towel. Then, keeping my eyes glued to the mysterious object, I nimbly stepped out and reached for my glasses. I whisked them on and held my breath, not sure of what horrible creature I would find glaring up at me with beady red eyes.

There, on the floor, was….

a shadow.

-A dark shadow cast on the floor under my husband’s towel hanging on the towel rack.

No spiders or tarantulas, no mouse or rabid rodent of any kind. Not even a sock. Just a horribly terrifying shadow.

Maybe I will put my contacts on before I get in the shower more often.

(My husband thought this was kind of a dumb story but I hope it makes you laugh at least a little without making you think I am too strange…)

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This ruling has plagued and severely divided our nation ever since not just because of the tremendous injustice it has brought to unborn babies, women and families but also because of the monstrous imbalance of power it gave to the federal government over the sovereignty of the states.

Today, thousands of men, women and children gathered together in our nation’s capitol and in other cities around the country to march, in both protest of this 1973 ruling, but also in remembrance—of all the lives that have been destroyed because of it.

But while we continue to fight against this ruling, we have to remember that Roe v. Wade may have made it legal for a woman to choose to abort the baby in her womb, it will take more than just another court ruling to change the culture that has not only accepted it but ferociously embraced it.

The “pro-life” vs. “pro-choice” lines in politics is clear but when the dust settles between heated arguments, there remain the real issues—the real women and the real children and real families who are affected by abortion. In order to “end abortion” we’ll have to put down our posters and megaphones and take a good look at why a woman chooses to abort her own child. And we have to realize that, in many cases, not only is this an extremely difficult decision for a woman it is also not what she really wanted. The reasons women abort their children existed before Roe v. Wade and they will exist even after Roe v. Wade is overturned or after stricter abortion laws are passed.

I am not saying we should abandon these pursuits to overturn Roe v. Wade or work on restrictions on abortions in order to get there. I’m just saying that if we care for the defenseless babies we must also care for their mothers by listening to them and supporting them so they don’t feel that killing their own child is the only real choice for them. And when I say “we”, I am not talking about the government; I am talking about we, the people.

Perhaps in this regard I share some agreement in President Obama’s remarks on the Roe v. Wade anniversary.

“While this is a sensitive and often divisive issue — no matter what our views, we must stay united in our determination to prevent unintended pregnancies, support pregnant woman and mothers, reduce the need for abortion, encourage healthy relationships, and promote adoption.”

Of course I differ with him on how to do this, especially when it comes to the part about preventing unintended pregnancies, but that’s a whole different can of worms I’ll save for another post.

In general, I do support an individual’s rights to make their own health care choices and I firmly believe “that government should not intrude on private family [health] matters.” But I draw the line when it comes to abortion because we are not talking only about one person here but at least TWO. Abortion has a 100% chance of causing death to at least one person and a high chance of causing long-term pain and suffering to another. This isn’t just another health care decision, this is a decision that terminates a defenseless life—a life that also deserves the right of “choice”.

No matter what the circumstances are, or what sort of life the child might be born into, he or she still deserves at least a chance to live, to be free and to discover happiness in life just like any of the rest of us.

In ending a post that could go on forever, I think Mother Teresa, who worked with the poorest of the poor and understood pain and suffering, articulated the tragedy of Roe v. Wade the best.

“It is a tragedy that a child must die so that a woman may live as she pleases.”

And,

“America needs no words from me to see how your decision in Roe v. Wade has deformed a great nation. The so-called right to abortion has pitted mothers against their children and women against men. It has sown violence and discord at the heart of the most intimate human relationships. It has aggravated the derogation of the father’s role in an increasingly fatherless society. It has portrayed the greatest of gifts — a child — as a competitor, an intrusion, and an inconvenience.

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This post about the “Tunnel of Parenthood” has been going around for a while. The “tunnel” in Emily Sederstrand’s post refers to the first 5 years of parenthood and how hard and anxiety-producing it is. We’ve been at this parenting thing for a little over 8 years now and while we are definitely out of that ‘tunnel’ I think we still go in and out of different tunnels in between.

I was walking through a long underground walk-way tunnel the other day and it was just like a scene from a movie when you see the lights start blurring and the walls feel like they are starting to close in on you.

That’s kind of how the 1st trimester ‘tunnel’ feels for me. Everything is a blur and most days I feel like the constant nausea and fatigue is just going to swallow me up. I go through the motions of the day but when I look back I can hardly remember what I did or even how I did it. So many things have had to move to the back burner as I go back to just the basics: Sleep, eat, make food, pee, sleep, eat, sleep, make food, sleep, pee…sounds like a newborn baby except for the making food part.

The house is a mess most of the time, which bothers me apparently more than the other house inhabitants. I’ve tried to loosen up during this time but it’s hard to see how much is neglected if I am not there to remind everyone about helping to pick up. Why is it so hard to see a sock or a toy on the floor and put it away instead of just stepping over it? I guess these are talents they have yet to develop. Last night, after weeks of avoiding their messy rooms I finally called for a clean-up session. Now, let’s see how long it will stay that way.

It’s not all bad though. Being forced to take it easy also forces me to enjoy the basic joys. My kids have taken advantage of my frequent couch time by having me read them many books…even if I fall asleep half-way through sometimes. My daughter and I actually sat down together and knitted. I really enjoyed that. I also haven’t had much energy to think too much or get too stressed—or at least I don’t have enough energy to notice if I am stressed. Which I think is good? Especially right now as I’m still in the thick of a major project that is anything but stress-free. It’s been humbling, which is what I’ve prayed for. It’s hard to be humbled but I am slowly seeing that God has a plan and a reason for letting me be weaker right now so that others can be stronger.

There are many complaints of pregnancy. Sometimes I forget, for a little bit, about the tiny human being growing in me that is the reason for it all. But then I quickly remember and a smile, even if a small weak one, brightens my tired self and sustains me. Just a little bit longer…I can already start to see the bright energetic rays of 2nd trimester at the end of this tunnel.

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One line.

Whew…

A little sad…

Wait.

What’s that?

A second line?

Could it be?

Is it?

Yup.

A little faint.

Definitely there, though.

Eternity passes through me.

A lump forms in my throat.

A flood of thoughts and feelings gushes into my heart and sets it beating.

My hands hug my abdomen, my mind sees the tiny baby who has been hiding there.

I look at my two-year old; my baby.

And suddenly see how big he is.

I think of how hard it’s been with him, how much he has rocked our little world.

How much I love him…

and my other two.

I think of “morning” sickeness, fatigue, ligament pain, back pain…pain and discomfort.

Ug.

I think of sleepless nights, especially since the two-year old has been driving us ‘insane’ with his sleepless night-time shenanigans.

The lump grows and rises up through my throat.

A sob breaks forth.

Tears…

Overwhelmed by the tremendous GIFT

that God has honored and humbled us with for the fourth time.

Doubt…

turns into TRUST…

Trust turns into PEACE…

Peace turns into LOVE.

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Pee on stick

Set stick on counter

Watch the white strip turn pink as pee sinks in

Quickly leave room without looking at stick

Walk around the room

Pretending nothing is happening

Heart pounds

Legs go limp

Stomach turns

What will it be?

Is it already?

Wait a little longer

As if I could prolong what already is

Breathe; in through the nose…out through the mouth…

Everything is going to be ok

3 minutes is a very long time

God help me accept

Whatever it is…

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