That means I’m almost done cooking this baby! One more (full) month.

I’m ready and not ready all at the same time. (This song sums it up well: I’m just a girl whose stuck in the middle…trying to just sit back and enjoy the rest of the show)

Ready to meet this baby. Ready to stare deeply into his eyes…I wonder what color they’ll be. Ready to feel his squishy smooth skin against mine. Ready to kiss his sweet head and see what color hair he has and how much! Ready to bond with him and continue our physical connection through breastfeeding. Ready to hold him close and rock and sway and dance him to sleep. Ready to put him in his daddy’s hands for the first time, to give my husband another child, another son to love and to form into a man. Ready to introduce him to his brothers and sister, to let them all look at each other and for them to hold him and shower him with their loving kisses.

Not ready for the “pain” of labor and childbirth. While I do not fear birth, it does naturally make me a little nervous, especially since I’ve done it three times already and remember. It’s not “easy”. It is the hardest, most important, and most profound work a woman participates in. So it’s a pretty big deal. I think about it too much, wondering how it will go, imagining all the possible scenarios, preparing myself with basic and important facts to keep in the back of my mind. When I lay down at night or for a nap and think about it too hard, it makes my heart squeeze and fill my tummy with butterflies…like the feeling before getting up and talking in front of a crowd…or the feeling you get right before plunging down a high water slide. Though, I look at my three children and I do remember their births. It was hard each time, but I did it, and it was beautiful and miraculous and now here they are.

Ready to have my body “back” and be “normal” again. Ready to lay on my tummy or my back or any way without stabbing ligament spastic pain. Ready to breathe and walk normally and have a little more energy to climb up and down the stairs. Ready to sleep without my legs suddenly cramping up and shooting pain from my toes up to my hips. My husband is probably also ready to stop hearing the middle-of-the-night “no, no, no!!!” from when they do cramp up.

Not ready for more sleepless nights from waking up with a tiny newborn whose either hungry, soiled, tired or just cranky for no explainable reason. Not ready for how my back will constantly hurt from all the rocking and swaying to try to calm him down. Not ready for how quickly a newborn’s wailing can irritate me and exhaust me. Not ready for dealing with all that and the continued antics of the other three squabbling children. Not ready for having a newborn and school starting and all the deadlines and responsibilities that brings. Not ready to deal with the roller-coaster emotions of sending off my sweet son to kindergarten while also dealing with my postpartum hormones. Not ready to try to keep up with all the regular “house” stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc) while also tending to my baby’s 24/7 needs. Not ready for all that.

Ready to watch our family grow and develop. Ready for my kids, especially the older two, to take on more responsibility and help me. Ready for everyone to become more independent as they realize mama can’t do everything for them anymore. Ready for my husband to become the super-husband and the super-daddy he is when a new baby comes. Ready to be humbled and remember how incredibly blessed we are with all our family and friends to support us. Ready to remember how incredibly blessed we are.

Ready for the joy. Ready for the peace. Ready for the love that a newborn baby brings to my soul, to our family, and to all around.

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