Seven Ways to Deal with Anxiety in Motherhood {Day One: Prayer Breathing} 4

Today, I’d like to expand on the first of the Seven Ways to Deal with Anxiety in Motherhood.

Before that, I’d like to clarify again, that I’m no expert and write merely from my own personal experience perspective. In using the word, anxiety, I’m talking about both the normal and not-so-normal feelings we deal with as mothers that make us panic or feel overwhelmed by certain situations or motherhood in general. That’s normal and most mothers – and everyone – deals with these emotions on a daily basis. However, there are certain types of anxiety that can become severe enough that it starts interfering with your ability to function normally or live peacefully with those around you – namely your children or spouse and family or the people you work with. There are many medical anxiety disorders that require professional medical intervention but, since I’m not a medical professional, I can’t really share anything about anxiety from that perspective but I highly recommend others seek this help when/if it is necessary.

For myself, from an unprofessional self-diagnosed perspective, I’d say I’ve dealt with the normal anxieties of mothering but I’ve also struggled with what I describe as chronic debilitating anxiety that grips me and paralyzes me from loving my children and husband and others as well as I could without that debilitating hindrance. I used to think I suffered from postpartum depression but the more I learn about the differences between anxiety and depression, I’d say it’s more like postpartum depression and a postpartum anxiety that never quite left me even though my youngest is almost 4 this year.

There have been days in my life as a mother when I felt “stress-paralyzed” (from the Moms’ Night Out movie) (yeah, that’s a real thing), I felt stuck in my own head filled with negative and anxious thoughts about everything.  I was afraid of doing everything wrong and second-guessed every decision I’ve made with parenting. I have had times where I have felt like the worst mother – that everything I did was a complete failure.  Of course, these feelings easily feed into the the “Mom Guilt” that is so prevalent among mothers today.

When I’m tangled in the clutches of this debilitating anxiety my stress levels to go completely off the charts and hinder me from functioning well or handling even the smallest demands or pressures. Making lunches, putting kids to bed at the right time so they get enough sleep, homework, siblings squabbling and whining, all of that “normal” stuff that comes with mothering – push me over the edge and send me into a spiral of despair.

I’m thankful that even despite wrestling with these anxious thoughts and feelings, I have never ever ever felt like hurting myself or my children. All I wanted was to escape my mind and find a way to be happy again and enjoy being a mother and being with my family instead of wanting to run away from it all.

Today, I’m sharing ways that have helped me, even if I still continue struggling. First and foremost, I cling to Jesus for everything. I recognize that I can do nothing good without Him and I desperately need God in my life. So, when I’m feeling anxious the first thing I do is cry out for help to the only One who can truly help me – Jesus.  Which brings me to the first Way to Deal with Anxiety in Motherhood:

Prayer Breathing

Perhaps when you think of “prayer breathing”, you imagine me sitting in a cross-legged yoga position, eyes lightly closed, breathing in slowly and exhaling all my anxiety away peacefully. Well…not quite.

Usually, when my anxiety levels creep up into the danger zone, the type of breathing you might see more closely resembles that of a fire-breathing dragon than a serene yoga mom. My eyes enlarge, my face reddens, my veins constrict, and a burning sensation surges through my heart and rib cage area. (Thank you Cortisol and Adrenaline!)

Now, when this happens, my mind is about to go into full-on panic and survival mode. They say that when a person feels anxious, it’s the same chemical reaction a body goes through when it’s being chased by a angry bear. Imagine living in a body that feel like it’s being chased by a bear all day long, day after day.

How I handle the next few seconds is crucial or all my anxious frustrating emotions will boil up and explode out my mouth. And if that happens – watch out, you do not want to be near me. When I can catch it before that happens, this is what I do:

  • Take a few sharp breaths in through my nose, hold the breath and let the oxygen cool down the hot mess boiling inside me, then blow it all out through my mouth. If you look closely, you’ll see some real steam and maybe even a few flecks of fire. I keep doing this breathing exercise until my breathing regulates, my eyes return to normal size, my veins shrink back and the burning in my chest subsides.
  • Then, now that I’m calmer, I continue breathing in and out slowly, adding in short “prayer breaths”. Breathe in…slowly release and say, “Jesus…I trust in You. Breathe in….breath out….”Jesus, I need you! Breathe in…slowly out…”Jesus, I love you.”
  • A friend shared with me the other day that she offers up a succession of quick Hail Mary’s, or even just – “Mary, I need you!” when she’s feeling overwhelmed by a situation and this helps calm her down.
  • Aside from those in-the-moment bursts of prayer and breathing exercises, what’s really helped me the most is starting and ending my day with prayer every day. When I wake up in the morning, I crawl out of bed, land on your knees, bow my head down – but try not to fall back to sleep! – and take a deep breath in…and out…and pray, “Thank you, Jesus, for this day. I give this day to You. Be with me. I trust you, Jesus.  I need you. 

One of the most challenging aspects of mothering is learning how to let go.  When kids don’t do what we ask or the dream life we imagined mothering would be feels like a failure, all we feel like doing is throwing our hands up and saying, I give up! Which is exactly what we have to do – give it all up to God and trust Him in everything. It’s hard to let go of control but I assure you from personal experience that the harder you hold on to control the harder parenting is. God did not intend for you to do this on your own. He wants you to ask Him for help. So ask!

My friend and fellow contributor at, Emily Jaminet, shared a wonderful piece, When We Fall and Fail As Mothers … Seeking Out Spiritual Strength where she makes the excellent point of how important prayer is especially when we fail.

When we stumble and fail in life, especially in regard to the vocation of wife and mother, we must refuse to fall into despair and instead cling all the more firmly to Christ. The pure action of turning to Christ during difficulty is a sign of faith and as a result, we receive even more graces.

Tomorrow, I’ll delve deeper into the Second Way to Deal with Anxiety in Motherhood: Gratitude.

Has prayer helped you deal with anxiety in motherhood? I’d love to hear what helps you!

Hope Risen

This Holy Week, we remembered the sorrow and the pain Christ endured for us as he accepted his Cross, carried it, was nailed to it, and died hanging from it.

I can imagine the anguish his Mother Mary and those who loved him felt as they watched him suffer, as they watched him die, as they held his lifeless body in their arms and buried him in the tomb.

Pieta - Death of Christ 06

I can imagine their numbing grief as they hid together in the upper room; silent and shocked. Their hearts, filled with sadness, sagged heavily inside their chests.

For Jesus’ followers, he was their King, their God, and their Messiah who had come to save them. And now, he was…dead. They were completely unprepared, even though he had tried preparing them, they couldn’t have understood. In their minds, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

They wept together and held each other in their intense grief, weeping, hardly eating, too stunned to do much of anything. They prayed…without saying anything.

Then, in the midst of their darkness, a glimmer of hope began to glow.

Mary of Magdala came to the tomb early in the morning,
while it was still dark,
and saw the stone removed from the tomb.
So she ran and went to Simon Peter
and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and told them,
“They have taken the Lord from the tomb,
and we don’t know where they put him.”
So Peter and the other disciple went out and came to the tomb…
When Simon Peter arrived after him,
he went into the tomb and saw the burial cloths there,
and the cloth that had covered his head,
not with the burial cloths but rolled up in a separate place.
Then the other disciple also went in,
the one who had arrived at the tomb first,
and he saw and believed.
For they did not yet understand the Scripture
that he had to rise from the dead. (Jn 20:1-9)

After they left, Mary Magdalen stayed and wept for she thought someone had stolen his body which only compounded her grief. But, in Mary’s darkness, the glow of hope grew larger and larger until it overtook the darkness completely and flooded her heart with Hope and Peace.

…she turned around and saw Jesus there…(Jn 20:14)

Mary’s bitter grief immediately evaporated once she realized that Jesus, the one whom she thought was dead, was ALIVE!

…she went and announced to the disciples, ‘I have seen the Lord’…” (Jn 20:18)

And then,

On the evening of that first day of the week, when the doors were locked, where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst and said to them, “Peace be with you. When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side.The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. (Jn 20:19,20)

Where once there was darkness, despair, and grief; now there is light, rejoicing and HOPE. 

Their Christ, their Messiah, their God is alive! They had watched him die, held and buried his dead body, and now here he was, – alive and well!

Christ restored their faith and reignited their hope.

In the same way that he conquered death for himself, he also conquered death for us all. Our bodies will still succumb to nature and die so long as we live in this world, but now –

by His dying and rising, we have Hope for a different life, a very real and everlasting life.

When I sat with my dad in the hospital the day he died, I at first prayed for his physical healing. I clung to him, wanting to keep him here with me in this world just a little longer.

However, once it was clear his body was too weak to go on, our prayers switched to asking for his spiritual healing so that his soul would be ready to enter God’s Kingdom.

I held his hands and sobbed like I never have before and my brother, my mom, and I launched into the prayers of the rosary and the Divine Mercy chaplet. In that “hour of his death” we prayed that God would show Mercy to my dad.

When I reflected on that moment with a clearer mind, I felt as if eternity opened up like a wormhole in the room and our prayers – and those praying for us – gently ushered his soul out of the vessel that had carried it for nearly 73 years and into the loving arms of our Mother, Mary. She bundled his soul up like a newborn baby and held him close.

I continued holding my dad’s hand even after he had passed but eventually I had to let go. Now, even months after his bodily death, I still cling to him but am slowly loosening my grip.

He doesn’t belong in this world and is now where he’s really “supposed to be”. I would like him to be here with us so I can talk with him and hear him but he really is where I’ve always wanted him to go. (I just wasn’t ready for him to leave quite yet.) I continue praying for his soul with the Hope that he can now join in Christ’s resurrection and be “made new”.

Christ’s own resurrection from his death gives me the hope that even though my dad had to endure pain and death, and even though we remain in this world to grieve him, Christ rose and so shall my dad and all of us one day. Otherwise, all our suffering and pain would be for nothing and there would be no hope to live by.

As we remember and celebrate Christ’s Glorious Resurrection today and hear the most beautiful scripture readings of salvation history, I imagine Mother Mary preparing my dad’s soul and presenting him to her Son for entry into His Kingdom.

Today, renewed on this Glorious day that our Church on Earth rejoices in His Resurrection, I embrace Hope and pray that the “ocean of Mercy” that “gushed forth for souls” may now “envelop the whole world” and especially my dad’s soul and for all those who have died. I hope Jesus looks upon the soul Mary presents to Him, He will say to my dad –

“Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise”

Suffering with Others brings Peace and Grace 5

Earlier this week, for Holy Week, I shared a few thoughts on Uniting our Suffering with Christ’s and Why We Suffer and How to Respond.

As I concluded, what I’ve come to learn about suffering is that I may never understand why God allows us to suffer but I do know we have control over how we respond.

The only way to get through suffering is by embracing and offering it with Christ’s offering.

But how do we do this precisely?

First, Pray.

Jesus, I give this to you. Take this [my sickness, this challenging child, my job, my marriage, etc.] as an offering with your suffering. I unite myself and my pain with yours. Please give me Your strength and Grace to bear it for you and with you.

Second, Pray of Others and their Suffering.

When we experience acute pain, in the moment it’s impossible to really focus on anything else except for the terrible pain we are feeling. When we are going through a challenging time in our lives, though the pain isn’t physical, it can still consume all of our thoughts and make it impossible to focus on anything else.

So how do we get away from that? Turn to others. Join your suffering with their suffering.

Whenever we turn our focus to helping others, it doesn’t exactly take our own pains or sufferings away but it takes our sacrificial offering and turns it into something goodLOVE.

One day last week over Spring Break everyone had reached their limits on patience and things were starting to unravel – especially me. So I said,

Ok kids, get your shoes on, we’re going for a walk.

Almost as soon as we got out into the fresh air and warm sunshine, our spirits lifted. We decided to walk down to the assisted living and nursing home maybe ¼ of a mile down the road and visit our “Park West friends” as we like to call the residents we visit there.

About two years ago we started visiting the nursing home residents as part of a Visiting the Homebound Stewardship opportunity through our parish.

It has taken time for us to get used to it – old people can be scary to little kids (and adults!) but we’ve come to really enjoy our visits there because we see how much the residents enjoy seeing us.  And we’ve learned a lot of through going also.

We brought some hand-made cards friends of ours made and asked us to share. The cards had cute doodles and kind messages like, “Have a Nice Day” or “Happy Easter” and we went around bringing one to each resident we saw.

Each time we did, an amazing transformation occurred. When we first walked in to see a resident lying asleep on their bed looking as if they couldn’t move on their own, as soon as we came in and they saw the kids’ bright faces (and wiggly energy), their eyes fluttered open, their faces lit up, and some of them even sat up as if they’d never been asleep. We left each room with a smile on everyone’s faces.

We came to visit one man who, as soon as he saw us come in, pulled the blankets off and shot up and immediately started talking with us, obviously pleased to have visitors. Rex told us all about a condition he suffers from called MRSA. He told us how a few months ago painful blister bubbles spread over his whole body, even the bottom of his feat, and how the liquid inside is poisonous so if it gets on anyone it would spread the same ailment.


He confirmed my thoughts by saying it’s known as a type of modern-day leprosy. Thankfully his ulcers have abated and we were in no danger of becoming infected.

We sat there a while as he recounted his ordeal and told us how he had endured the worst pain he had ever experienced in the whole of his life. He looked about 75 or so and was a big burly man who looked like he might have served in the military so we could only imagine how bad it must have been.

We visited a few other residents that day, all of whom had their own stories of pain whether they shared them with us or not. As we passed out the last “Kindness card” as we called them, we left feeling filled with Grace and renewed spirits.

I could have stayed at home that afternoon and wallowed in boredom, self-pity and selfish discontent. Instead, we stepped away from our own “suffering” and stepped into the suffering of others and we were greatly blessed by it and hopefully so were those we visited.

Today, on Holy Thursday, begins what’s called the Easter Triduum – “The summit of the Liturgical Year…from the evening of Holy Thursday to the evening of Easter Sunday. Though chronologically three days, they are liturgically one day unfolding for us the unity of Christ’s Paschal Mystery.the Three Days of Christ’s Passion and Death.” (USCCB, emphasis mine)

On Holy Thursday, even as Jesus knew the tremendous pain he was about to endure, He began by providing a meal (the Last Supper) to the Apostles and He humbled himself by washing their feet.

Over the next ‘day’ he endured great suffering. Along the way others stepped onto the path with him and helped him in his suffering.

As we walked home from visiting our home-bound friends that day, I thought about everyone we visited and remembered how their faces lit up and smiles spread across their old-wrinkly skin and hid their sad and lonely faces. And this filled me with a certain peace and happiness that I’ve been missing. I especially thought of Rex and told the kids when we got home,

Today, we visited a leper (in a way) just like Jesus did.

They all nodded and then, just as quickly as the moment came, it evaporated and the kids were off chasing and yelling at each other in the yard.

The great Mystery of Jesus and the reason His Sacrifice means so much is because God became man so that he could enter into our suffering with us. He comes to us, takes our cross and says,

Here let me take that heavy load from you. Let me carry it for you. You’re not alone anymore, I AM [is] with you.

Uniting our Sufferings with Christ’s 3

A couple weeks ago, I picked a friend up to drive her out to a mini retreat we were both going to for the day with a group of wonderful women from our parish.

My friend (I’ll call her Jane) can’t drive anymore because just a few months ago she became suddenly very ill and can no longer drive.
She was hospitalized in the Fall because she had started having terrible pain throughout her whole body and couldn’t move. She was there two weeks before the doctors finally diagnosed her with Polymyositis, a rare auto immune disease that attacks and weakens the muscles and can cause permanent tissue damage.

Jane told me she had never been in such terrible pain as those couple weeks of agony. She couldn’t even dress herself, she told me it was so terrible. Thankfully, after some treatment and physical therapy, she’s able to move around better now but uses a walker to walk and still needs a lot of help.  With the Polymyositis, she also developed painful ulcers on her hands and has to wear special gloves. I joked with her that she was becoming like Padre Pio.

My friend Jane has had a rough time but even her own physical pain is not so much compared with the emotional  pain she’s gone through watching her daughter’s son, her grandson, go through the trial of battling pediatric lymphocytic leukemia for 10 years now.

While I drove, Jane opened her heart to me and shared how she wishes she could take her grandson’s place so he didn’t have to suffer anymore.  She has offered up her own pain and ordeal for him and her daughter, hoping to unite her own suffering with him and hopefully help alleviate his pain. She said she knows that if she accepts this for and with Jesus it is better than becoming depressed and bitter. At least in this way, her suffering isn’t meaningless – it has a purpose. 

Jane said she hopes that her illness can somehow help bring others closer with Jesus so they will see how He helps her and see that He can help them also. I told Jane that even if she isn’t healed physically (which we still hope for) she is already bringing people to Jesus by her example of acceptance and offering of her suffering to Christ. That’s the real miracle. Jane has figured out the answer to suffering and how to respond to it:

The only way to get through suffering is by embracing and offering it with Christ’s offering. 

Today, over at my other virtual home,, I share my thoughts on suffering – Why we Suffer and How to Respond.

I shared some very wise insights on this by Bishop Barron that shine a different light on The Problem with Suffering.

As we begin this final lap of Holy Week and remember the Agony and Passion Christ suffered it’s a good time to think about the great example he gave us about how to respond when we go through physical, emotional or any type of struggle.

Yesterday’s second reading from St. Paul puts it best:

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,

Who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.

Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,

he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.

Second Station of the Cross: Jesus Accepts His Cross Pictures of the stations at the Cathedral of St. Mary in Peoria, IL taken by Timothy & Julia Robinson.

Miraculous Spirals {Santa, Fe, NM} 2

Alright, one more stop and then I’ll finish going on and on about my recent road trip “Pilgrimage”.

After our $18 “just 6 miles from the interstate” hole-in-the-ground Meteor Crater detour, we were back on the road out of Arizona and into New Mexico.

As we drove along through the Arizonan desert, massive Mesas stood guard between the fast-pace life of the Interstate and the great frontier desert beyond. Flat lands ran on and on for miles until they ran head first into the giant plateaus, pleaded for safe passage and then continued on and on through the desolate desert.

Ok, someone PLEASE tell me – are these Mesas or Plateaus or just really tall Boulders?

Doesn’t this one look like a giant toad monster? See it’s nose and straight lined mouth?

Finally, we arrived in Santa Fe, checked into our hotel and then drove into the heart of the downtown area known as “The Plaza” and walked over to the famous Loretto Chapel. 

The Loretto Chapel is known for the “miraculous staircase” – or the “St. Joseph’s Staircase – that goes up to the choir loft.

You can read more about the story behind this one-of-a-kind staircase here. Basically, the Sisters of Loretto and their all-girl-school students, for whom this chapel was built, needed a staircase to get to the choir loft. During those times, most chapels had a ladder up to the loft but the nuns did not feel it was safe or “appropriate” for them to climb a ladder. So they prayed a Novena, asking for St. Joseph to intercede on their behalf and help them find someone to build them a staircase. Long story short, a stranger came in one day, built the staircase, and then vanished – leading to the legend of the story that it was St. Joseph himself who crafted such an elegant and mysterious staircase.

It remains today as a sort of architectural phenomenon since it contains no visible support beam from top to bottom, the type of wood used is a mystery for the area, and the carpenter used neither nails nor glue to construct it.

The Loretto chapel was sold by the Sisters of Loretto in 1968, deconsecrated as a Catholic Chapel and then sold to a private owner in 1971 and remains today as a privately owned museum open to the public for viewing the staircase and sometimes for privately held weddings.

My brother and I were one of the only ones there that day with just a few others since we came during the winter and about 15 minutes before they closed (oops!). Now, if anyone knows me well, you’ll know I’m a bit of a natural skeptic – meaning I question everything so that I can somehow analyze it and try and comprehend. This is also a good time to confess that I’m not sure whether I believe St. Joseph himself actually came from Heaven to build this staircase. I’m sure he could – he was quite the carpenter after all – but I’m not sure why he would if God could just send another great carpenter who was still alive in our world.  (I know, I’m too logical for my own good.)

So as far as the question of whether or not the staircase itself is a miracle? Well, honestly it doesn’t really matter.

This is what matters: The Sisters of Loretto prayed for a staircase – and they got one. Sometimes a simple answer is miracle enough.

But here’s why this staircase still fascinates me.

It’s a spiral!

And you all know I LOVE Spirals – thank you Mr. Fibonacci. 

I wouldn’t say I’m very good at Math but I LOVE Math. It’s the great “language of God”. To me, I’ve always thought of Math as the most intricate, complex, impossible-to-decode enigma that, if we could solve, would lead us right into the unfathomable awesome Mind of God. Which is why it’s too bad I’m no good at Math.

However, I can still appreciate the deep symbolism of the Spiral. The recurrence of the Fibonacci Sequence in spirals throughout all of nature and architecture throughout the world and history is like one HUGE gigantic clue to the great Mystery of our universe and its ingenious Creator.

Another cool thing – this particular staircase shape is known as a “Helix Staircase”, which, of course, reminds me of other well-known doubly intertwined helices that we ALL have inside of us – our DNA! And we all know how amazing our DNA is. (Right?) If not, just stare at this for a while –

(and that’s just one of trillions of cells in our body)

We all have mini “Loretto staircase” miracles inside of us – fashioned by one super-amazing “Carpenter”.

And I’ll bet if we measured the curvatures of our DNA helices and compared it to the curvature in the Loretto staircase we’d find some very interesting similarities – which can only occur if there is a similar source…(It was all I could do not to go out and buy a tape measure and take my own measurements of the staircase while I was there. Kidding…kind of.) And I’m sure if we could somehow graph our life journeys, they would resemble a spiral also. 🙂

Ok, I could go on but if I had any chance of hiding how huge of a Math and Biology nerd I really am it’s too late now so I’d better just stop.

After Loretto, we sauntered to the Plaza square, passing open-air markets with hand-made arts crafted by the locals. We sat on a bench and silently listened to a local man narrate his life story on his accordion. I sat there, taking in the scene and listening to the harmonic sounds of the music, intertwined with the ambient noise of passerbys chatting, children giggling, and cars slowly rolling by.

As the sun waved it’s golden magic over the Plaza square, we got up, added a few bucks into the basket, and walked down to the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis.

Since Mass was about to start I couldn’t take any pictures inside but I wish I could have because that Basilica is a work of art combining all the elements of the mixed Native American-Mexican-Spanish-Anglo cultures and history of the Santa Fe region. The parish atmosphere was dynamic, electrified with an obvious excitement and devotion for Christ and the Sacraments and the Eucharistic liturgy was moving and healing.

After Mass, we relished in the local cultural cuisine of Maria’s New Mexican Kitchen where we both had their famous Blue Corn Enchiladas served with “carne adovada”. It was slightly spicier than I usually like but it was too good for me to care.  (Joel, if you’re reading this and you’re ever in Santa Fe you would LOVE this place and it would be a great addition to your “Mmmm Mondays”.)

The next day we left the beauty and intrigue of the mountains and mesas and returned to the simple beauty of the Kansas flat lands and the warm embraces and kisses from my family – who apparently really missed me!  All in all, it was a wonderful get-away that provided me much-needed time to just take a drive and be myself for a few days, process some of my thoughts, and enjoy time with my brother before he goes off and starts a new life and family of his own soon.

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