Renewed.

In a word, that’s how I feel.

I’m not “back”, I now know now I’ll never be “back”.

And that’s ok.

I’m ok. I’m ok, I am ok!

I’ll still have those moments, those days, when the missing is too intense, the memories still pinch.

I’ll always remember:

The pain, the sorrow, the trauma.

The fear, the extreme anxiety, the desperation, the agony, the feeling of complete abandonment, stunned confusion.

The could haves, should haves, would haves.

The “whys?”

“Why didn’t I?”, “Why didn’t he?”, “Why didn’t they?”

Why him? Why now? Why? Why? Why?

The fog of denial, the sting of a reality I couldn’t swallow.

Keep moving, carry on as usual, keep it together, be strong.

Have faith. Pray more.

2016 may forever be a big fog in my memory. I functioned. I probably smiled and laughed. According to my calendar and pictures I went places, socialized. But I can’t remember.

Like the time a softball socked me in the nose and left a big black patch in my long-term memory.

2017, a year of thawing, healing, accepting, remembering, missing. Oh, the missing!

Snail steps forward while looking back. Stuck.

2018, a year of renewal and TRUST. Absolute TRUST.

Breath in, breath out.

I miss you.

I remember you.

I feel you with me.

I’m thankful – you were with me, and still are…in a different, silent, constant way. A deeper way.

Moving. With all the memories.

Forward.

Remembering where I’ve been, being where I am, trusting God knows where I will be.

Knowing He’s been with me, is with me, will be with me. Always. Forever.